Here’s today’s dose of anti-Airtel rant! Hope you have some fun at this post’s expense!

This is the content of the letter I got from Airtel – I’m sure its a generic template with just the plan name changed.

And here’s what it really means, in plan English – that is, in case they had a brain and most importantly, a heart.

***
Dear customer,

We thank you for being a valuable member of the Airtel family.
We have to say such things before pissing you off.

As a constant endeavor to offer you a great Broadband experience, we at Airtel are continuously upgrading our network to deliver you a world class service and experience.
Get ready for a shocker, you torrent freak!

We have observed that a very small number of customers on the Home 999 Plus plan, which is the plan that you have subscribed to, use an excessive amount of bandwidth at times, to the extent that it can impair the browsing experience of others.
No more Italian and Spanish films for you â?? you have been a bad boy!

An extremely high usage suggests either an abuse of the connection by others or usage of service/ downloads which cannot be supported by this current plan.
Yeah, yeah, we gave you an unlimited plan that was indeed unlimited in letter and spirit, but that idiot Bram Cohen had to invent torrents.

We recommend the following precautions immediately for you so as to prevent any abuse:
These do not mean anything at all, trust us!

· Please switch off your modem/ router after use

We do understand that you may have chosen the unlimited plan to precisely avoid this!

· Please ensure that your PC has an updated anti-virus protection suite and is not infected from viruses and others malware.

We launched anti-virus protection under our own brand recently â?? please use them and help our partner!

· If you are using a Wi-Fi network please ensure that it is protected by an encryption key to prevent unauthorized access and misuse

Whatever! We like 3 bullet points â?? 2 looks incomplete, somehow.

We are also making a minor change in the Home 999 Plus plan to ensure that we continue to provide the best of broadband experience to all customers.
Our grandmothers used to insert the bitter pill inside a banana, remember? Same thing!

To enhance your broadband experience, we have added an extra benefit in the plan which entitles you to Rs. 25 worth of Speed on Demand per month, month-on-month. Speed on Demand is a service which allows you to browse at higher speeds.
We donâ??t think this Speed on Demand means anything to you since youâ??ve chosen the unlimited plan in the first place â?? reliability and continuous, non-stop internet connection may mean more to you than short periods of really fast connection! But what to do!

Details

Current Structure

Modified Structure

Plan Rental

Rs. 999

Rs. 999

Free Data Transfer

Unlimited

Unlimited

Download speed till <Threshold>

384 Kbps

NA

Download speed after <Threshold>

NA

256 Kbps

Additional Data Usage Charges

Nil

Nil

New Benefit: Free Speed on Demand per month, w.e.f February 2009

Rs. 25

All other charges and rates in the plan remain unchanged.
Phew, our lawyers wanted us to add that since a change here will have you suing our asses.

Kindly note, the speed rationalization on crossing the download threshold would be for the remainder of that bill cycle only. The speed would be automatically restored to the original level at the start of next bill cycle.
This mythical threshold is a secret that only 3 people in all of Airtel are aware of and they have the supreme power to change it as they deem fit. All three wear a golden ring that is engraved with the latest threshold limit. We usually kill the engraver after each session â?? know any new engraver? Do let us know. We will take care of his family by giving them one of our unlimited plans post his execution.

The modified plan would be effective from 1st March 2009.
Aah, that was toughâ?¦man!

For further information, you may please write to us at care.karnataka@airtel.in or call at 121 (toll-free) from your Airtel Landline.
You could write to us, but we refuse to read the contents of your mail and send you templatized crap that would annoy the hell out of you! Good luck.

Warm regards
Itâ??s getting hot in here, right?

Sharan Shetty
Head â?? Marketing
Why am I, the marketing head, sending a customer service related letter? Because this Speed on Demand is my baby? Oh boy, the extent I have to go to introduce a mindless update like Speed Rationalization!

Comments

comments

9 thoughts on “The real meaning of Airtel’s letter on Speed Rationalization!

  1. Dude…you can get the respective transfer limits by selecting the appropriate plan from Airtel’s website. I’m on the 512 plan and mine’s 40GB

  2. it’s highly infuriating how Airtel absolutely insults the intelligence of the end user. But then actually speaking not many give a damn whether they are being looted or not. Here’s my own experience with another such instance where they try to market something stupid and charging me only for it.

  3. I think, this is the Sharan Shetty at the bottom of the letter:

    Facebook lists his emplyer as Airtel and he is old enough to be a head of something.

  4. Sambhav: Lets not target people personally – let Sharan’s linkedin and facebook profiles remain safe from this tirade – unfair to target those spaces. His blog…perhaps!

  5. switch, switch, switch to another provider immediately.

    at this time if they have enough clients dropping off, it will lead to the dropping of their collective pants in marketing and a good spanking by mr. mittal.

    so switch immediately to another provider even if they are as bad as Tata Indicom / VSNL

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