If you know what a dosa means…or how sambhar tastes like, you don’t need any introduction to the Saravana Bhavan restaurant chain in Chennai. Or any of its worldwide branches. But like in social networks, there are rules to entering and eating in a Saravana Bhavan outlet. Here’s the first attempt at listing those rules.
Note: These rules were formulated as I waited for my turn to dunk a mini idly into that delicious sambhar at the Mylapore branch (in Chennai) of Saravana Bhavan. Your mileage may vary, depending on time of week, day of week and local festivals in that day/week/month.
So, here are the rules.
1. Remember your objective: To acquire a seat at Saravana Bhavan. Eating is secondary and happens much later.
2. You cannot enter a Saravana Bhavan directly. There are gazillion vehicles parked or just loitering outside it, particularly in Chennai. So, you need to use tact in maneuvering all those vehicles and enter by the shortest possible trajectory. This means stepping on a LOT of feet (of other people) and receiving a lot of choice abuses in Tamil. Ignore all; remember your objective.
3. You would encounter two kinds of obstructions as you try to enter. One, a guy selling curious, long, flute-type instruments made of bamboo-type material. The locals call it ‘Oodhal’ (or, if the locals have a son who is eye’ing one of these, they then call it ‘Peetha oodhal’, meaning, a flute of crappy value, to put it mildly). The second obstruction is a lady (or a battalion of ladies) who peddles flowers connected with a thread. Remember: Do not demonstrate any interest in these 2 products. Even a second’s interest could delay you of securing your objective by at least 45 minutes.
4. As you finally enter the portals of The Saravana Bhavan, you do a status check of your company. The more your coterie, the better your chances of reaching your objective faster.
5. Assuming you have just one friend with you, you two should prepare a game plan. The first step involves an extremely complex task – let your eyes roam as far as they can go and take a broad look at the room. No, you will not see any empty seat – that’s a given. What you need to check first is if there is a table where people seem to be getting up.
6. If the response is affirmative, you run towards that table, but, as a back-up, you strategically ask your friend to continue looking for people getting up from other tables, from where you stand.
7. Chances are…the table you noticed where a guy was getting up…he may have got up just to adjust his obese wallet from under his butt in his tight denim back pocket. Do not fret – you have your back-up parked anyway. Get back to original position.
8. Now comes an even more difficult task – you and your friend should walk side-by-side, looking at as many tables as you two can. What should you observe? You need to specifically observe and make a mental note of the percentage of food consumed by people in each table. Look out for 25% dosas, 1-2 remaining mini idlies, 10% vadas or a 30% remaining meal. These are your potential targets. Now, between you and your friend, quickly (and when I say quickly, it usually means a fraction of a nanosecond) assimilate the pending-food data collected and stand next to a table each where the food is optimally less.
9. There are specific standing guidelines too; they are just not written anywhere, but everybody knows these guidelines. They include,
– Do not lean on the table or chair. Leave at least a few millimeters gap between the table/chair and your trouser.
– Stand at a vantage position. The best position is one that does not obstruct the fast-moving waiters of this eating joint and still gives you a path to reach at least one chair as soon as one of its earlier inhabitants get up.
– You can guard your territory in any way; the most potent way involves judicious use of eye movement and nothing much of any physical violence. The best eye movement involves offering the eye-equivalent of ‘Hey dude, WTF? I was here at least 11 minutes before you. Can’t you see this table is taken and I’m so close to it? Bugger off!’. Practice this routine at home for best results on-ground.
10. While standing, do not let any of the atmospheric noises disturb you…and there are tons of interesting sounds waiting to turn your attention. These include,
– Repetitive, obscure and tuneless noise from those flute-like things you noticed outside
– Loud honks of cars trying to park in the tiny basement parking lot of the establishment
– Frenzied calls from exasperated family members coming down from the ‘AC’ hall in the first floor with total disappointment in their faces on noticing an even bigger crowd in those places
Ignore all noises. Let your mind not hear anything else except the gestures and sounds from the table you’re watching over.
11. Do not let minor disappointments bother you. These may include,
– The current inhabitant of the table eating a lot.
– The current inhabitant of the table being a massive tease and taking enormous amount of time to select the next dish or dessert and ends up choosing the most time consuming dish for the chef to prepare.
– If the current inhabitant ends up ordering (God forbid!) a ‘Falooda’ (a bizarre concoction of fake ice cream, fake vermicelli, and fake everything), abandon your position. Repeat step 8 onwards all over again.
12. If you’re lucky and the current inhabitant does not order anything complicated, you are very close to achieving your objective. But, do not let that enthusiasm spoil you. Stay on course with solid determination and do not expose any sign of jubilation yet.
13. One or more of the current inhabitants of the table may get up to wash their hands. This is NOT your sign to move in. I repeat, DO NOT make that mistake. It’s what fools do. Why? I’ll tell you why! Because a lot of locals believe in eating their desserts after washing their hands, since the dessert happens to be the only item in the menu that they like eating with a spoon. Remember this fundamental point very well.
14. The current inhabitants usually take turns to wash their hands, as you may have already observed. This is elementary neanderthal behavior – they are just guarding their territory and this is nothing to worry about. Stay on course.
15. Let the current inhabitants finish their pathetic sitaphal ice cream or basundi. They suck anyway and should help you reach your objective faster.
16. Wait for the sign when the current inhabitants make a hand gesture to the waiter that implies, ‘Bill please’. This hand gesture usually involves a very faint ‘scribbling in the air’. In any other social circumstance, this means, ‘Keep in touch’ and is usually offered by men to women (mostly involving prolonged period of separation in which the last intimate hand gesture is this and the immediate next hand gesture involves pouring spirited liquids into a glass and gulping it with gusto). But, observe this gesture from one or more of the current inhabitants and immediately signal to your other friend about your impending victory.
17. Curse your luck if the current inhabitant chooses to pay by a credit/debit card. But, persist. Your victory is still very, very close.
18. If the current inhabitant has signed the merchant copy receipt or paid the cash, this is YOUR turn. To get to that table. Forget all rules and grab any chair in that table, regardless of whether it is occupied or not. After the financial deal is over, it is strictly no man’s land and the world agrees to this universal rule. Just rush in and make yourself home.
19. Eat. This is an incidental activity after that adrenalin-filled exercise.
20. Do not – I repeat – DO NOT miss the sambhar vada. This dish has shrunk in size over the years and increased in price given the inflation, but this is still the best dish here. Last heard, the nearby Sukra Jewellery was offering gold the weight of sambhar vada you can sneak out of Saravana Bhavan.
A note on the photo used above: Sorry, my camera was trampled by the crowds. So, I add the photo that resembles what I saw here the closest…a still from Khumb Mela. Same thing. Photo courtesy: RetourdesIndes.com via Flickr.