Being a frequent flier, one of the things I notice keenly, much to my amusement, is how people behave during the airport security check. No, India is nowhere near the TSA-level frisking, but there’s something massively amusing about how people react to the Indian airport security frisking. Here are some of the broad categories that I have noticed so far.

1. The PT master
Raises hands in perfect 180 degrees and forms a perfect triangle with the legs. The security guy’s hand-held detector usually hits the PT master’s groin quite hard, in such a scenario.

2. Droopy
Droopy’s hands are not straight, as the name suggests. They are the opposite of a smiley, to put it simply. This guy is usually brought to life with some tight and alert frisking by the guard.

3. High flier
Starts with droopy hands and perks up as the frisking begins…the whole thing almost looks like the man will flap his hands fast and fly away. Perhaps like the creature in Jeepers Creepers.

4. MG Ramachandran (MGR)
One of MGR’s most famous film poses was to point to the sky with his right hand as if he was shouting at the sky, ‘Abey saala’ in a happy mood. The same happens sometimes with some people at the security check. Looks quite dramatic, actually.

5. Aye maalik tere bandhe hum
God-fearing, perhaps…since both hands first go straight up, as if to offer a prayer to their favorite God. This guy is usually forced to get his hands to 180 degrees by that small metal detector thingy with the security guard.

6. Waist rotator
This character is a PT master, in essence, but is so paranoid about his belongings chugging on the conveyor belt towards the x-ray thingy, or away from it or is just a worried parent/family man looking out for his kids/family elsewhere. So, while the frisking is on, our friend performs a nice waist jig and looks almost like Divya Bharathi in ‘Jaane de jaane de’ from Shola Aur Shabnam.

7. The forgetful one
Nothing about his posture, per se, but this is the kind who forgets to leave his ‘metal’ belonging(s) in the hand baggage or a tray despite numerous reminders all over the place. So, as he starts his hands-up jig, the guard notices his mobile phone and asks him to go back and put it in the tray, quite annoyed. As annoyed as the other passengers waiting in the queue behind him.

8. The man in a hurry
This is a broader type, not just restricted to airport security, but more common in airports. There is a specific line written on the ground in big bold letters, just before the metal detector arch and it says, ‘Please await your turn behind the yellow line’. But that doesn’t fully dawn on this character and he is usually bent on standing so far beyond the yellow line that he has to be told by half a dozen guards to get back, multiple times.

9. Math genius
This, again, like the last one, is common to many other queues, but is more frequent in airport security queues. This character’s mind constantly races with math-based possibilities – and compares the number of people before him, in his queue and the numbers in other queues nearby. He then observes the speed of frisking of the guard at the end of each queue and decides on the optimal queue and jumps queues many times in the hope that his calculation will save him 2.75 seconds as against his current queue.

10. Yakkity yak
This is usually a businessman type character who is traveling with someone and they go on and on and on and on chatting up…even in the security queue. If, by chance, they are in adjacent frisking points, they continue to discuss whatever they are discussing much to the annoyance of the guard who is frisking. Though, technically, there’s no reason for the annoyance…unlike others who may be hiding a grenade in their mouth, this guy is at least open enough and keeps talking, to remove all doubt.

Have you come across these ‘types’? Noticed more ‘types’? Which ‘type’ are you? I’m usually the PT master!

Here’s the full version of that legendary MGR song, for your #kvlt viewing pleasure.

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